Why Do You Do Anything? Do You Flinch When Someone Asks You “Why”?

A lot of us have neurological damage related to the word why. I’d like to help us rehab.

For a lot of us, the first time we hear “why”, we’re four years old and we just knocked over a glass, and our parents shout “why did you do that?” at us.

When we get to be grownups—whatever a grownup is—then we still have that neurological damage. So we constantly defend ourselves. We double-think about our motivations, work out the angles that’ll comfort people, prepare the money-related explanations in advance, and get nervous.

I didn’t come up with this. Someone else did. I got it from a Masterclass done by a partially-retired FBI hostage negotiator, Michael Voss. His entire career was predicated on his ability to not get people killed by choosing his words carefully.

And he cautions against asking people “why?” for the reasons above. Dude points out that the first time most of us hear the question “why?” it's an accusation. Why do you do anything? It's such an uncomfortable question.

You're three years old. You knock something over. Parent shouts, “why did you do that?”

So while it's not a universal truth, there's a predisposition in human nature to get defensive when we hear “why?”

Thing is, a lot of self-empowerment sits behind asking yourself “why?” If you know why you want to do what you do, and you genuinely know it, you have a lot more power to do it. Understanding your reasons gives you a lot more courage and focus.

That’s part of the secret behind the success of all the companies you like with strong culture. Their central figures understand why they’re doing things.

The framework for it is called The Golden Circle.

The Golden Circle is a method of thinking that first asks why you want to do something, then asks how you will do it, then asks what you will produce.

Partly because of our shared neurological damage about the question “why?” a lot of us explain our actions in the opposite order.

First, we say what we’re doing.

Then we attempt to outline the details about how we’re doing it, and usually have trouble with that.

And only some of us even bother attempting to articulate why we’re doing it.

Effective movers and shakers go in the opposite direction. There’s a great TED Talk about this by a guy called Simon Sinek who talks about this at length. I recommend it.

I think we need to rehabilitate the neurological damage we have about the question “why?” A lot of clarity hides behind that instinct to flinch.

So maybe try some of these exercises:

• Ask yourself why you do things you feel comfortable doing, even if you already “know” the reason, see if you can spell it out for yourself. Not in any sort of justification-type mode, but just why?

• Make harmless choices every now and then with no justification except “I wanted to do it.”

• And when you’re feeling especially brave, maybe tell someone you trust to ask you “why?” sometimes.

The goal should be to get to a place where you like explaining your reasoning, not justifying it.

What do you think? You flinch when someone asks you “why”? Do you know why you do that?